Back home (private)

Your eyes are wide with worry and fear, but you can't manage to say anything. You smile reassuringly at Aarush and blush when he kisses you on a cheek, watching him as he goes to his room. You rub your arms, then look to Ducita, feeling flustered. You weren't good at conversation, in the past two sweeps you had talked to maybe two dozen trolls. You spy the coffee pot and decide to start with that. "Um, do you want some coffee or something?" You walk to it and fill it with water before setting it to brew. You turn and lean against the counter, your fins pinned to your head as they often were when you felt nervous. "So... Um... W-what did you mean by 'maybe then we will be safe for a while?'" Perhaps it wasn't your place to ask, maybe it was something between the pair of them, after all they were moirails.

Aarush had a weird way of being able to make you calm down by his presence. It did calm you down some and even more so when he said he was going to go rest. As he left he kissed Eisire on the cheek. You rolled your eyes and shook your head. These two are a thing.

You are again left with Eisire, but you feel alot more comfortable with her now. Seeing how you took care of her hand and her and Aarush seem to be matesprites you feel entitled to be comfortable.

“C0ffee? I can't say I have had the 0pp0rtunity t0 drink much 0f it...sure if it w0n't hurt y0ur hand.”

You hope there is some cream with the coffee so it isn't super bitter.

You sit and play with your fingers until Eisire asks about you said earlier. You swallow hard before speaking.

“I...I had seen the eye in a dream bef0re. It....well, it is not really a safe thin9 f0r any 0f us... At least that is what I g0t fr0m the dream.”

You hunch your shoulders and try to play it off as a silly dream you had. Well, it was a dream, but...it was complicated for you to think about. You feel like Eisire should know since she likes Aarush. You are open to answer questions, it could save her life.

You lay on the pile of cushions on the floor of your room. You were scared. What was going on? Where you losing your mind as well as control of your abilities? You cover your face with a pillow, your eye throbbing with pain. What were you going to do? Maybe you should head right up to the Carnival and ask them what was going on... And take on what other responsibilities you have been trying to forget about for the last five sweeps of your life. You sigh and press the pillow against your face. You could just feel the panic rising in your chest. What were you going to do? What were you going to do?

When the coffee pot finishes brewing, you locate two clean mugs and pour coffee into both, fixing yours with cream and sugar before turning to Ducita. "Do you take cream and sugar?" You take a tentative sip of your coffee and then add some more cream, then set it on the counter to cool. Your fins perk when she talks about her dream. You remember with a shudder when Aarush's ancestor possessed him not to long ago. His eye had turned green then. You tug on your braid, working up your confidence. "W-what was the name of the troll? The one with the green eye you saw in your dream."

“Uh, yes. M0re cream than su9ar th0u9h, thank y0u.”

You started to bite the inside of your cheek from nervousness. You were sure that Eisire knew something, but if that's true then this is a bigger problem than what you first thought it was. Your thoughts went back to Aarush who this weight was pinned on the most. Now he had you and Eisire to help him and you were determined to find a way to do so.

“His name was Alcide Dasura...o-or the Prince.”

Saying that name made you feel sick. You desperately wanted the coffee now.

You mope in your room. Really, you just lay there letting all your bad thoughts wash over you constantly. You half want to get in your coon and just never come out. Nothing made sence to you any more. You lay on the pile of blankets and cusions that are in your room. They used to be for your lusus, but you never got rid of them. You fiddle with the lid of the in-refrigerated soporific you found in the mass of soft things. Your other hand is bringing that bottle up to your lips as you brood and think. You would be able to think better if the ghost of your lusus didn't keep giving you looks. Yes he knew he was a disappointing son, mopeing here when he should be out with his flush-crush and pale sistah. He didn't look at the spirit. He just stared blankly up at the ceiling as he drank.

Your eyes widen, the fear clear on your face. You make her coffee with shaking hands and give it to her. You push your hair from your face as you collect your thoughts. "Oh glob..." You take a few sips of your coffee as you think of how to explain this best. "When I brought Aarush to my hive to recover, he woke up one night... Different. Not himself... Quite literally... Um..." You bite your lip a moment before continuing. "At first, I thought he had a split personality but... He was being possessed. The spirit called himself the Clown Prince and told me he was Aarush's ancestor..." She looked into her coffee, nervously stirring it with the spoon still in the mug. "I don't know if Aarush knows that he gets possessed or that its his ancestor that does so..."

You take the coffee and quickly put it down. You have no wish to drink any of it right now. "The Prince didn't menti0n anythin9 like that..." You already feared the Prince enough and him being able to take control of your moirail like that.... You put your head in your hands before looking back up so your hands were over your mouth. You can feel your heart racing from fear and worry. Not only did you risk your life in that dream world, but here as well. "W-well Aarush must kn0w s0methin9...I c0uld ask..." Ask which one though? Aarush may not know anything and the Prince....you don't know what he would do at all. You assume the worst. You look at Eisire with a troubled look. "What d0 y0u think we sh0uld d0?"  

You sigh as you finish your bottle and toss it to the side. Self-loathing was really becoming a thing for you over the last few sweeps. You rub your hands over your face and make a face as your hands brush over the bandage that covered your eye. You really were a mess. You rolled up onto your feet from your departed lusus' nest and growl softly to yourself as you nearly fall over the soporific bottle that ended up under your foot. It would only be karma if you ended up knocking yourself out in your mess of a respiteblock.

You start to rummage around in the draws of your dressers. This bandage eye patch was not working out so well. It kept threatening to fall off and expose the unnerving green eye to light. You distantly remember having one somewhere in one of these draws. Nope, but there's that club you were looking for last sweep in your closet. Good thing your head found it.

OW! MOTHERFUCKING PEACE OF FUCKING SHIT!

You put your mug down as well, biting your fingernails nervously. You really don't know why you bothered painting them, you were constantly nibbling on them, scraping the paint off in the process. Nodding slowly, you speak. "We should talk to Aarush. If he doesn't know he's being possessed by his ancestor, I think that's something he should know." 

You jump out of your skin when you hear Aarush shout, your fins flaring out on either side of your face. Without hesitation you run to his room and throw the door open, heart pounding. "Aarush!" You hurry over to him, "Are you alright?!"

A-alri9ht...that s0unds like a decent plan. You nervousness doesn't subside, but having a plan will help you not freak out.

You jump when you hear Aarush yell, but you are quickly to your feet and rushing to him. The things that happen when you take yours eyes off of him. Much to your irritation Eisire beats you to him and you stand to the side and watch carefully. A-are y0u 0kay? What just happened? Things really don't seem to be looking up right now.

"Fine! I'm motherfucking fine, just wonderful, ain't gonna find a more wicked broth'a around 'ere."

Yes you are perfectly fine. Save for the bleeding knot on your head and guilty mace on the floor. It wouldn't take a genius to figure out what had happened. But you were fine. That was why you had slid back into your carnival speech. You don't know who to be more pissed at, yourself or the fucking mace. Why are you getting mad at an inanimate object? It just fell off the shelf you had placed it up on. You were the idiot who placed it there after all.

I'm fine! Why wouldn't we be all up and fine? We are just fine...

Now was not a good time to have a breakdown. Not in front of your flush-crush... You might be lucky to have a moral after this.

You tear off the bottom portion of your shirt, your brain running on auto pilot now, and you fold it up, reaching up and gently holding it to his bleeding head to contain the blood. You keep your voice calm, and slip your free hand into his. "Why don't the three of us go back to the kitchen, you can sit down and have a nice cup of tea while Ducita and I fix this lump on your head." Gently, you move his hand to hold the once light pink fabric in place against his head, then without another thought, you hug him tightly, like you're trying to tell him its going to be okay just by the hug. That you weren't going anywhere. After a few moments you release him and take his free hand gently, glancing at Ducita and mouthing at her to find the first aid kit as you lead him to the kitchen.

You really, really don't like Eisire taking your place for watching out for Aarush. You are broken between deliberately ignoring Eisire and doing what she says, because you don't want to leave Aarush in this state. You glance at Aarush with a concerned expression. Not only are you worried about him, but you are worried about getting pushed to the side to allow the matesprites (or whatever they are right now) their space.

The thoughts make you glare heatedly and you turn your gaze to the floor to avoid glaring at either two of them. "We just need t0 calm d0wn s0 we can find s0luti0ns for 0ur pr0blems."

You plaster a smile onto your face to try and bring up everyone's spirits before fleeing the room to get the first aid kit.

You shiver under Eisire's touch. Why was she always taking care of you? You feel sick to your stomach. Just one of the first signs you know you are about completely brake down.  You shrug the makeshift bandage off along with Eisire's hand.

I'm fine sistah... why.. wouldn't I be?

You force a smile onto your face but it just looks, wrong.

Calm.. I am calm... the epitamy of peace... solitude of wholesomeness...

For someone so calm, you sure are shaking a lot. You bring a hand to your mouth and press your other hand against it as you try to get yourself to shut the fuck up. You hated that way of speech. The ignorant tone to it, the way other people looked at you when you spoke like that. You start breathing harder. You hated yourself more then you have ever hated anyone before, enough to actually start triggering your rage at this moment. You bite your own hand, sinking your sharp teeth into the flesh.

Your eyes were wide with worry. You turn to ask Ducita for help but she's vanished. Possibly to get the first aid kit. First things first, you grab the cloth and this time tie it around Aarush's head so it stays on. Your hands are starting to shake as well but you will yourself to stay calm. Now was not the time for you to start freaking out about how useless you are. You gently pull his hands from his mouth, intertwining his fingers with yours. "Aarush you hurt yourself..." you say quietly, feeling blood on one of his hands. You don't know where to go from here, and you feel nerves rising inside of you. "Please, come and sit down with me. Ducita's gonna be right back with the first aid kit."

You find the first aid kit soon enough and you head back to Eisire and Aarush. You are trying your best to not just isolate yourself from the situation and leave before you get left. You stop outside the room and breath deeply to prepare yourself to stick around to help out. The scene was not the one you had had in mind. Eisire doesn't have the situation in control at all. You can't even be glad because...Aarush is not well.

You kneel on the ground beside Eisire and hand her the first aid kit. "Br0. D0 what y0u need t0 d0....thirty sec0nds s0unds 900d...We'll time y0u..." You grab Eisire by the arm, stand, and move the two in front of the doorway with Eisire slightly behind you. You equip your staff and hold in a neutral position and watch Aarush waiting for him to move. You feel way calmer than you should....hopefully things won't go too haywire. Maybe this will be a chance for you to practice your psionics without physically touching the other troll.

You close your eyes, almost as if you were trying to shut Eisire out. No, no no no, this was wrong you were wrong. Too many things were just building up, have been building up, things you did not want to face. Things you couldn't face. Ducita's voice is like a beacon, something to hold on to. Let it out she says, what if you hurt them? It would be only thirty seconds, how bad could it be? But what if you couldn't stop yourself? You were a train wreck right now at the moment anyways. If you kept trying to keep it in. Something crunched. You bit right threw your hand you idiot. That was the trigger you needed.

You let out a roar, griping your hand. Both of your eyes are glowing purple with a greenish halo around them. A wind storm seems to pick up in your respite block as the spirits cause havoc attracted by your pain, angnst, and hatered. The claw at your face, toss your belongings around, and generally ruin the place. You snarl before just screaming.

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!? I HAD EVERYTHING UNDER MOTHERFUCKING CONTROL! I WAS ABLE TO FORGET EVERYTHING FOR ONE FUCKING SWEEP! THE FUCKING FISH BITCH AND HER DEMANDS, THE FUCKING CARNIVAL! WHY DO THEY WANT ME TO BE HIM!?

He would let out another roar and punch the mirror with his good hand, utterly shattering it, the glass shards falling to the floor with soft tinkling noises that were mostly lost in the whirling storm of wind.

Thank glob Ducita arrived when she did. Because nothing you did worked, it was like he couldn't even hear you. You let her drag you back, feeling generally shitty about yourself. Standing behind her you watch Aarush with wide eyes, your hand subconsciously grabbing Ducita's arm when the first object hits the wall. You feel your heart wrench as he starts screaming. You know how he feels because you've been there so many times, to go months without an episode and to wake up covered in blood. As for the adults wanting Aarush to be his ancestor... You know that all too well. The Empress reminds you just as you start getting some self confidence back up that you weren't doing good enough and that you were letting your Ancestor's name down. You gulp, feeling tears prick your eyes, and you whisper to Ducita. "I think its been thirty seconds..."

You don't understand how you can be so calm and focused while your moirail did this damage to himself and his hive. You weren't only watching him you were protecting Eisire from any physical damage. Eisire seems to be way more disturbed with the scene than you are, good thing you decided to move away partially.

You do forget to keep time though...brilliant Ducita, brilliant. You really have to thank Eisire later for that. "Alri9ht." You close your eyes and breath while raising your hand slightly. The emotion you choose is the one of compliance, you don't want Aarush to be calm, you do want him to listen to you though. A wave courses out of your body.instead of just your hand...oops. You'll need to apologize to Eisire if she is affected.

"Aarush. Br0, it's time for you to stop now." Your voice becomes stern as you try to take command of the situation.

You stop completely. You don't really understand how or why she was able to make you stop with just a few words. You let yourself just slump to the ground among the fragments of  mirror and other remains of things in your hive. The spirits dissipate with out your voodoos to give them strength and form. You just want to stop feeling right now. You hurt. You hands are sore, you can't really move the one you had bitten threw very well. You think you might have crushed a few bones. Strangely the thought did not make you feel anything other then more tired. Tired and slightly sick to your stomach.

When you feel your own emotions change slightly and see Aarush slump to the floor, you realize that Ducita is psionic. You wonder for a moment if Aarush wanted her as his moirail for this reason- to be able to calm him from a rage with ease. You watch Aarush helplessly, you just don't know what to do. Approaching him doesn't seem like a good idea, perhaps you should just let Ducita handle this... since you did such an awful job of calming Aarush earlier. 

With shaking hands you let go of Ducita's arm, and just sit yourself against the wall with your knees tucked up to your chest. Your own mind is whirling as you remember some of the horrid things the Empress hand said to you. Your Ancestor had done so much in her life, and you were scared you couldn't fill her shoes, and terrified of what the Empress would do when you failed.

You start to walk slowly up to your moirail. He seems so broken right now...mentally AND physically. You don't know how much help you'll be on the physical part. You turn back to Eisire and see her sitting against the wall, she looks very disturbed as well. Did you do that? You move over to her and bend down to her level. "D0 y0u think y0u'll be able t0 banda9e Aarush's br0ken hand? I am n0t t00 skilled with br0ken bones...y0u'll need t0 keep quiet th0u9gh."

You move over to Aarush before she can answer and you start to move enough of the debris away so you can sit next to him comfortably. You sit by his non-broken hand crosslegged and you take it in your own. Hey br0. You say quietly, smiling at him. You begin to take any glass out of his hand

Your eyes slowly follow her as Ducita came closer. You are shaking, bleeding from various scratches from the ghosts, the remains of rage tears are coming down your face. Your breathing is a bit ragged as your energy and emotion just seems to be ebbing away with each breath.

Hey sis...

Your voice is flat, as tired and horse and as battered as your mind and body was feeling. You watch her as she plucks the glass shards out of your hand. It is like she is doing it to another person, everything just seems so... disconnected from yourself. You slump forward slightly to rest your head on Ducita's shoulder.

Sorry...

You can't help to say it, and then say it again a few seconds later. Within a few moments you are just repeating 'sorry' again and again.

You look up when Ducita starts talking to you. Your ear fins are pinned to the sides of your head, your eyes wide and watery, you look rather pathetic. But you manage a little nod and stand up, fetching the first aid kit from the kitchen and returning, quietly walking into Aarush's destroyed respiteblock and sitting on the other side of him. You open the first aid kit, all of your movements slow as you try to control the shaking in your hands. You can clearly hear the empress's voice in your mind, reminding you how useless you are. You carefully take Aarush's broken hand in yours, cleaning the blood off and spraying it with disinfectant. Your hair hides most of your face, Aarush is shaken up enough as it is, he doesn't need to know you're on the verge of a panic attack. Gently, you create a sturdy brace from what you find in the kit, wrapping up his hand with gauze and a bandage before tying the brace in place. "I-I think you're going to need stitches... and an X-ray... and a better brace..." You rub the back of your neck, still not making eye contact. "S-sorry I couldn't do more..." You stand quickly and leave the room, hurrying to the kitchen. You were so USELESS! You know how to stitch up a hand, your hands are just shaking too bloody much. You pace the kitchen for a moment, your breathing becoming erratic, your heart pounding in your chest. You're never going to live up to your ancestors greatness, why the hell did you think you could go off pirating with Aryane, its stupid and childish- just like your idiotic daydreams of being empress. 

And just like that, you're cleaning. You aren't sure where or when you found the cleaning supplies, but you are now deep cleaning Aarush's kitchen. A docteror could perform open blood-pusher surgery on these counters once you've finished. It was an odd way of coping with panic attacks. But, you couldn't drown yourself in your work like you usually did. Instead, you concentrate on cleaning.